I, like a complete moron, let a friend peer pressure me into checking out her new gym. Even though I was mostly happy with my current gym. Even though I was already paying for a gym when I have access to gyms for FREE. Even though the class was at 6:15 AM.
In. The. Morning.
That meant getting up at 5:00 AM. It’s still dark at 5:00 A.M. I can’t even remember the last time I willingly got up that early. To say I’m not a morning person is an understatement. I don’t talk until at least 8am, but if I do it isn’t going to be pleasant. And I sure as shit don’t go anywhere that early.
It’s really hard for me to transition into a new gym, especially one that is structured around classes. I hate being the newb. I hate having eyes on me, judging my ability. I am well aware I have zero hand-eye coordination. I was once told (by the instructor, in front of the whole class) I was going to kill myself in a step class. I can’t manage to move my arms AND my feet at the same time during Zumba. Yoga is slightly better, but I’m always way overdressed (s sports bra isn’t a shirt, people) and let’s be honest, the odds of someone farting is inevitable. I just can’t be grown-up about that.
I also need to be shamed into pushing myself, which is one of the things I love about Crossfit classes. I would never, on my own accord, do burpees, snatches, or goblet squats. I for realz wouldn’t do them over and over again. So in my quest to be more fit, I let this friend talk me into newb-dom. This gym isn’t a crossfit gym, but that didn’t keep me from getting my ass kicked. At sooooo early in the mornings.
Day 1
cried
nearly vomited
legs were jello after the first 5 mins
What kind of friend does this?
ski-erg WTF??
left there looking like Tammy Faye Bakker and no one said a damn thing to me.
Mental note to wash face before workout. Last mental process for the entire day.
Day 2
Ahhhhh!! Friend called to cancel. Day 2 moved to Monday. Kick. Ass. Go back to bed.
Real Day 2
Yes. 5:00 AM is still ridiculously early.
Wash face, because last time.
DO NOT eat breakfast. I don’t care what all the “experts” say…
What are all the numbers on the machines supposed to mean?
Am I rowing for “M’s” , “CAL’s”, “Time”,other “Time”?
This guy keeps telling me to “move my ass” as if I’m going slow. Can he not see how fat I am? Or that I have gray hair? This is me moving my ass. My fat old ass.
Day3
Why would anyone who doesn’t have to feed a baby be up at this time?!
Oh great, the ski-erg again. My favorite.
If he calls me “crossfit” one more time…
Why is riding a bicycle so much fun, but riding the stupid workout bike thing that I don’t even know the name of so fucking hard?!?!
I did it. I signed a check and committed to a month of this brutality. And the workouts.
Day 4
Fuck you alarm.
Hex bar deadlifts. Why? I was so effing sore the entire weekend. I dont know what the “muscle” under my back-fat and love handles is called, but I’m pretty sure they got swoled. Or I seriously jacked up my back. I should webMD this.
Ab work? Um, no thank you. Oh, It’s not optional? Shit.
Day 5
Funny story : Day 5 was supposed to be Monday but I thought my neighborhood was on fire. The smell of smoke was pretty strong, and as I went outside to investigate, I noticed ash falling in the backyard. Holy CRAP! I told my “friend” I couldn’t make it, and searched the news while getting ready to make emergency calls while searching the closest houses. Turns out, it was my neighbors burning their Chimenea. At 5am. FIVE A.M.
I also realized that my M-W-F workout schedule would work better as a T-W-TH. Who wants to do anything on Mondays?
Day 5 Tuesday
Presses of all kinds with the big dumbbells.
Did he just say 25’s?
Got stuck in my sweaty sports bra. STUCK. I’m not going to say I sat in it, arms wedged up to my ears, crying. But I’m not going to say I didn’t either.
was unable to hold the hairdryer up for longer than 2 seconds (who cares what the back looks like, anyways)
took 3 tries to braid my kids hair
took two hands to adjust the rear view mirror
Day 6
5:30 is just as early as 5:00. Mostly.
There was running. Excuse me… jogging.
Theres that hex bar again.
I know he said 10 sets of 8, but I’m thinking sets of 6. What does he know?
Is it normal to sweat this much? I’m talking areas, not quantity.
Does this rower seat come in a large?
Day 7
Getting up at 5:34 does not leave much room for error in the morning.
apparently this was an “easy” day. As I type this I am literally willing my arms to do the motions my brain is asking.
Have you ever sweat so much you actually look like one of those comically profusely sweating scenes , like on SNL or whatever, where they have like a hose hooked up in someone’s wig and they just stream water? That was me today. Sweat everywhere. In puddles.
Catching a medicine ball with your face motivates you to have better aim.
Tons of ab work… so much so that I looked forward to burpees.
Burpees sets?!? What is this, Crossfit?!
Why can’t I figure out how to do the alternating rope slam? And who knew those ropes were so effing hard to move? I mean seriously.
Planks. Anything longer than 13 seconds is too long.
Day 8
Getting up the morning after a holiday blows. Why can’t I figure out my snooze option?
Arrive at gym to find I am the only one for my class. W.T.F.?
Silently pray class will consist of a walk and talking about our weekend.
I literally cannot remember the warm up, which happened 120 minutes ago.
during deadlifts I confessed to drinking A LOT of margaritas over the weekend. Why did I do this?
Squat holds. The bike. Planks. Yelling.
Day 9
Getting up was actually pretty easy today. By “easy” I mean I did it and I wasn’t a total dick.
Walk up to earlier class all laid out, sweaty, labored breathing. I honestly thought about just getting back in my car.
This time “easy day” actually meant “easy”. In that, there was minimal yelling and zero heavy lifting.
not easy in that pull ups were on the menu. To failure. I failed at 3. 10 sets of 3’s. With a band. AND with the thicker band. Fuck you pull ups and your smug chin-over-the-bar policy.
I also think there was a 5 minute plank in there. Broken up with seventy-two 3-5 second rests. Ohhhh the sweat.
I got talked into going on Friday. And on Saturday. So help me, the crap I get peer pressured into.
Day 10
Makeup from missing one day during the week because of non-workout related injury – but just between you and me my legs were soooooooore.
They didn’t get less sore after Friday’s workout. But I did add some arm and back soreness to go with it. And sprints = stupid. This body was not built to sprint.
I also found out there was a 9:15 class. Um. What?
Day 11 – The Saturday
So, I heard Saturdays were a “fun” mix of “friendly competition” <— Oxymoron
It involved teams of 4 competing in a circuit series. That shit gets cutthroat. And if anyone thinks flipping a tire sounds like a good time, you’re wrong. It’s sick. Tires are heavier than they look. And cumbersome.
You know what is awkward? Watching a group of people get SUPER excited about a competition and having ZERO competitiveness yourself. Seriously, people.
Also, math and working out shouldn’t ever go together.
What did we do? Bike, Row, SkiErg, slamball, fireman carry, tire flip. Oh, and burpees.
So much “fun”!!
Day 12
This week is supposed to be a recovery week. It has a name that I’ve heard six times yet can’t remember. Anyways, apparently no heavy lifting. Unfortunately, the rower, assault bike (thats the name of that bullshit machine) and the skierg aren’t considered “heavy”.
Have you ever tried to do a proper squat with your hands over your head? No? Yeah, that’s because it’s impossible. I was told I was supposed to fail, but I think I was also supposed to eventually catch on.
My arms were so shaky from not lifting heavy shit that I had trouble driving home.
Day 13
Have you noticed I haven’t complained about the early wake-up? It’s not because I don’t hate it, because I absolutely do.
The friend and I tried the 9:15 class. Total craziness. We were all but asked not to return and to stick with 6:15.
I did do a keg snatch or 20, and I finally figured out what all those numbers on the rower mean. After 6 sets of rowing 250 meters. I don’t even know how far a meter is, but in row measurement 250x 6 takes you to Sucksville. Lunges still aren’t awesome
Squats. Deadlifts. Some other squats. Tomfoolery.
Day 14
Back to 5:00 am wake-up. Ummm… Or 5:15. Gah!!!! OKAY… 5:30 I’m UP!!!
The SkiErg and I have an agreement. We’ve decided to be friends. If I only have to be on it for 25 seconds at a time.
“Just the bar” doesn’t mean it’s easy. Many Front squats- Press -Thruster. Running errr… jogging. Something that resembled pull-ups with those stupid bands.
I also took shit for eating 1/2 of a Costco hot dog by someone who gets a food boner talking about corn dogs. Got talked into showing up on Friday.
Day 15
TGILW was a little too snugly this morning. Actually texted to make sure I would be welcome in Friday class, secretly hoping for an out.
Me: If I come in this morning will it mess up your plan?
GYM: um no. Get your ass here.
Well, fuckyouverymuch I guess I’m getting up.
Last day of “easy” whatever that means.
SkiErg and I broke our truce. Rowing gets harder, not easier. And I was introduced to what I thought was a rainstick, but was really a huge PVC pipe filled with water. And then I had to overhead squat with it. Over.My.Head.
Is it sexist that “girl bars” are shorter? Are doing sit ups while holding a plate stupid? Is a three count anything 3 seconds too long?
Yes.
Noticed once I got home that my armpits were totally not tank-top ready. At. All.
Day 16 – The Second Saturday
Team competition again. Less friendly this time, and the teams were totally stacked. Also – for the record, my trainer is world ranked on the Concept 2 rower, so should his team really be able to “win”? Assigned new moniker: Sasquatch. This trainer thinks he’s smarter than me.
Partner 8k row – How far is that? To Mars. Luckily my team had a system. That system nearly killed me.
Slosh OH holds – this was done while the other teammates were rowing. So we were either rowing, or holding these crazy and super cumbersome things over our heads. By round three they got heavy, and by 7k I thinking I should just go home.
7k ski – The SkiErg can suck it. My team mate broke it. HAHAHAHA!!!! Oh… run instead? Well, shit.
Farmer Holds – these turned into dumbbell holds. I went from a 40# bell to 25# by the last set. Holding weight isn’t easy. It’s even worse to hold these while your teammate on the ski tries to hit 200 k’s. Overachievers suck.
11m assault bike – The assault bike is so stupid. And it takes a very long time to bike 11 stupid meters.
Dead hangs – from the pull-up bar. Are you kidding me? The only thing worse than having to do a pullup on the bar is having to hang from the bar without dropping in like 5 seconds. I did ring hangs. I’m not ashamed. It still hurt.
And when it was over, I swore.
Day 17-
Back to reality. Reality meaning I can make it from waking up to parking space in 20 minutes. So 5am wake-up happens around 5:40. Booyah.
I’ve been wracking my brain to remember what we did on Tuesday (clearly I didn’t write these down immediately). And I’m too afraid to text my trainer and ask him.
So, let’s just say it kicked my ass and move on. OK?
Day 18
Day 18 was a pivotal day. Not because I finally stopped hating early wake-ups. Not because I got on the scale and noticed a dramatic weight loss, or the mirror looked thinner.
Day 18 was the day my team was only 400 meters behind in a competition team row against that aforementioned WORLD ranked rower and his team.
Sure, 400 meters is far. But I’m just a SAHM. I’m not a world ranked anything. No one on my team was. And when you put that into perspective, 400 meters gets a little less far.
Day 18 was AWESOME. Despite the lunges, squats, pull-ups and running. And despite not being able to move my arms much afterwards. Or my shoulders.
Day 19
The end of the line. Well, not really, but the end of the post. Why? Because I made the commitment of 30 days… Or I guess 19 workouts.
We did teams again.
SkiErg – bent rows-deadlift-more SkiErg. It sucked.
SkiErg-weighted sit-ups- more sKiErg. It sucked.
Rower – pullups(I still can’t do them, and I hate the bands!!) – more Rower. Didn’t hate it. Just kidding, yes I did.
Weird push-ups. Sucked.
Thank the universe I had a competitive friend and a 24 years old guy on my team. I totally shammed that Ski-Erg.
After a month of 5 A.M. (okay, okay, 5:30ish) wake-ups to get my ass handed to my by a sarcastic and slightly sadistic trainer, I discovered a few things.
I hate waking up that early, but I LOVE working out early. LOVE. IT. As a die-hard un-fan of mornings, I never thought I would say this. And after trying the later class, I realized I need to be an early riser. To quote my peer-pressuring friend: ” It’s sets you up for the whole day”. She said it so much I wanted to hit her. But she’s totally right.
Lifting our tandem kayaks onto the roof rack of the car is a smidge easier to do now. And that feels good.
Watching the sun hit the bay in the morning is AMAZING.
But I think my favorite thing is showing up at 6:10 in the effing morning grumpy and tired and leaving sweaty and smiling because there is a small group of people who enjoy getting their ass kicked and laughing about it as much as I do.
Well… honestly, my favorite thing? I am thoroughly looking forward to NOT waking up at 5am30ish for the next three days.
The Manic Military Wife 